Selfish Sally

As I grow older, I start to examine a lot of my characteristics, flaws and what makes me me. I start to look back on who I was when I was younger and compare that person with who I am now. I see contrasts, make some comparisons and then try to figure out some very new behaviour.

It's odd being so far away from home, being able to define myself on my terms and then see what I end up with.

One thing that I am grappling with is the notion of my own selfishness and how to deal with that, but still be able to stand up for what I want, what I believe in. The more I start to think that I am becoming a strong person, the weaker I find out I am.

Quite often I won't say what I really think, because I don't want to ruffle feathers. It's easier if I am upset than having the other person be. Usually I don't care what I eat for dinner because even if it's not what I want, I'm happy knowing the other person is happy. Maybe this comes from being in a relationship for a long time. I understand the idea of "death to self" and how that is what God requires of us, but I think I have taken it to a new extreme.

The way I keep the peace, is by not challenging things or standing up for what I want, even when I should. It's so much easier if I only have to deal with my own unhappiness. This isn't right.

Maybe I do this because I grew up being told I was the bossy eldest child and I needed put everyone ahead of me. I think that is a biblical idea, but somewhere along the line I miscontrued it into this silly martyrdom where I just cave into everything and don't take care of myself...?

Maybe this idea is completely off base...

MK keeps telling me to: Take care of Number One.. because then you are able to take care of everyone else. I like that idea in theory but it still sits funny.. but maybe that's because I need to change and actually do that...

CF says that by keeping my own desires hidden, I'm actually depriving people of knowing the real me, therefore being selfish. That's a new idea...

I need to find the balance of looking out for myself, taking care of myself and still being able to take care of and accommodate other people.

This post is extremely garbled... right in line with my thought process...